Concerns about relationships are among the most common reasons people seek counselling or therapy. Many individuals reach out because something in their relationship doesn’t feel right, even if they can’t quite put their finger on why. Others seek support because they are deeply worried about someone they love who appears to be stuck in a harmful or unhealthy relationship.
Some people want help understanding why someone stays in a relationship that seems damaging. Others come to therapy to explore a more personal question: Is my relationship unhealthy, and if so, what do I want to do about it?
These are complex and deeply personal questions. Therapy is not about telling people whether they should stay or leave, but about helping them make sense of their experience and arrive at decisions that align with their values, safety, and long-term well-being.
There is no single definition of an unhealthy relationship. Every relationship is shaped by the individuals in it—their histories, values, boundaries, and needs. As therapists, we are careful not to impose labels or judgements on people’s relationships.
The only time a therapist may more directly raise concern is when there is clear evidence of serious emotional or physical harm. Even then, the focus remains on respecting autonomy. People have the right to make their own life choices, and therapy should never involve pressure or coercion to stay or leave.
Instead, counselling focuses on helping individuals explore how the relationship affects them, so they can decide what feels safest and healthiest for their life.
When someone wants to explore whether a relationship may be unhealthy, therapy often begins with a few core areas of reflection.
1. Do you feel free to be yourself in this relationship?
In healthier relationships, people generally feel able to express their values, preferences, opinions, and identity without ongoing pressure to change who they are. While compromise is normal, consistently feeling constrained, silenced, or reshaped to please another person can be a warning sign.
2. Do you frequently feel distressed, afraid, or humiliated?
All relationships involve conflict from time to time. However, persistent fear, shame, or emotional distress is not characteristic of a healthy dynamic. If intense emotional reactions are frequent rather than occasional, this deserves careful attention.
3. Has there been physical harm or threats of harm?
Healthy relationships never involve violence or the threat of violence. While arguments may sometimes include raised voices or hurtful comments, physical aggression, intimidation, or fear for personal safety is never acceptable.
4. How satisfied are you in the relationship overall?
A helpful reflection is to consider your average level of satisfaction over time. If you were to rate how the relationship feels most days on a scale from 0 to 10, with 0 being no satisfaction at all, would it be a 4 or lower?
While every relationship has challenges, chronic dissatisfaction, confusion, or stress often points to deeper issues such as unresolved conflict, lack of respect, or fundamental incompatibility.
5. Is the relationship mutually supportive, or mostly one-sided?
Healthy relationships involve a reasonable balance of give and take. Over time, if one person consistently sacrifices their needs, values, or well-being to keep the relationship going, the dynamic may be unhealthy.
Other factors may also be relevant, such as increasing isolation, lack of privacy or excessive control, or pressure to change in ways that feel wrong. When many of these concerns are present, the relationship may be unhealthy or abusive.
From the outside, it can be hard to understand why someone would remain in a relationship that causes them pain. The reality is that staying often makes sense given the person’s circumstances, history, and fears.
Breakups Are Emotionally and Practically Stressful
Leaving a relationship can feel overwhelming. People may worry about finances, housing, loneliness, or whether they have the emotional capacity to endure a painful separation—even when the relationship is deeply unsatisfying.
Cultural, Religious, or Family Pressures
For some, there are strong cultural or religious expectations to remain married or keep the family intact. These values are deeply meaningful and can make leaving feel like a moral failure, even when personal well-being is at risk.
Children
Many people stay because they believe it is best for their children. While this concern comes from love, research and clinical experience suggest that ongoing exposure to conflict, fear, or emotional distress can be more harmful than separation. What is “best for children” is complex and deserves thoughtful exploration.
Fear and Safety Concerns
Some individuals fear that leaving will escalate conflict or lead to retaliation or harm. When safety is a concern, these risks must be taken seriously and addressed before any decisions are made.
Abuse Often Develops Gradually
Abusive dynamics rarely begin overtly. Many people describe their partner as loving, attentive, or charming early on—and sometimes intermittently throughout the relationship. Over time, boundaries erode slowly.
This gradual progression can make abuse difficult to recognize, similar to the well-known “frog in the pot” analogy: when change happens slowly, it is harder to see just how dangerous things have become.
Internal Conflict and Self-Protection
People are not one-dimensional. Someone may have parts of themselves that minimize or justify harmful behaviour in order to preserve attachment, stability, or hope. This internal minimization can reduce contact with parts that feel angry, frightened, or deeply hurt.
What Feels “Normal” Is Often Learned
Individuals who grew up around conflict, control, or abuse may experience unhealthy dynamics as familiar or expected. Without exposure to healthier relationships, harmful behaviour may not be recognized as abusive.
Shame and Low Self-Worth
Abusive relationships often erode self-esteem. Over time, people may come to believe they do not deserve better. Shame can also act as a defence—especially for those with childhood trauma—making it harder to name mistreatment or reach for support.
If any of this feels familiar, it is important to know this: everyone deserves to feel safe, valued, and respected in a relationship.
If you are worried about someone you love, your concern is understandable. However, trying to convince or pressure someone to leave often backfires and can damage trust.
What Helps Instead:
• Accept that you cannot control another person’s decisions
• Ask open, curious questions rather than giving ultimatums
• Encourage reflection rather than argument
• Support autonomy while expressing genuine care
If you are struggling with your own distress, seeking support for yourself can be invaluable. Acceptance-based approaches, such as ACT-informed counselling, can help you hold concern without becoming overwhelmed or reactive.
In some cases, you may need to set boundaries for your own well-being—while making it clear that you will offer full support if the person chooses to leave.
If you believe someone’s life is in immediate danger, contacting emergency services may be necessary, even if it risks straining the relationship.
Local Support Resources in Hamilton, Ontario:
• Hamilton Police Service – Domestic Violence Unit
905-546-3852
• Catholic Family Services of Hamilton – Violence Against Women Counselling
905-527-3823
• Good Shepherd Centres – Women’s Services
905-528-5877
This article was written by Psychologist Dr. Jennifer Barbera, PhD, who has provided counselling to individuals since 1999 and couples since 2007. Her work is grounded in evidence-based practice, compassion, and respect for client autonomy.
Contact us today if you want help coping with an unhealthy relationship, or you are seeking assistance deciding if you want to stay or leave,
